first and foremost...

It's been a long time since I thought on all this. I connected the most when I was at my lowest. The revelation of seeing myself, being on the spot to pick my name when I came out as trans, of course I went by Dirk. I was never sure if it would stick fully but it's so deeply me now, I don't need much else. I still enjoy my other names, though. G-d - what I would give to hear a "distri" again in hir singsong voice. My husband calls me Dirky sometimes, though he likes to play with my other names more.

I met someone from here again. No one I ever met back in the day, I only know about her from reading the texts. It sounds like she knows a few others, in particular she mentioned knowing a Signless. How insane must that be? To meet the revolutionary that started it all. To meet the ancestor of your comrade in the fight, the one whose tale lives in infamy. She said they theorize the ones like me are failsafes. She's doing debug work herself, trying to steer this world somewhere better than hers went. A noble goal. I'm with her on it, and I'm in the fight. Looking back on it though, I can't find much reason to hope. A part of me toys with the question of whether we were in a better position - me and Roxy, so alone, hounded - than the position people now are in. It's hard because there are so many g-ddamn people. Is it better for some to live in safety and happiness, like me, like Jane used to, while others are being slaughtered, living in fear, waiting to be next? At least when it was me and Roxy I only had to keep track of us. Pretty easy to average out how the world is going when you're extrapolating from two people's states of being. Maybe that's why I'm not one to be helping, though. As a human it's hard to be anything but cynical watching humans push things on so badly. As Dirk it's hard to reckon with so many people existing and accounting for them all, it's hard to not be washed into despair and cynicism and dark places when I see where we are. As I think on it, I see again why I don't think on that time anymore, why I haven't for a long time. So often it just brings up misery and loneliness. The good times were mostly with Roxy, and I've lost hir this life too. I like to establish myself as myself, to flaunt the way I can claim it, to show that I *am* Dirk, I deserve to be *the* Dirk. I want to be special. But what made me special just made me feel like shit. So it's not wonder I focus so much on this life, and I've left the past in the past. I wish I could have hugged Dave at least. I wish I could've met him. He's a better man than I could ever be. And it kind of burns me to know that. I wonder if Roxy feels the same about Rose. Maybe. Maybe she doesn't ruminate as much as I do on stupid shit.

She said it's all worth it, having met another troll this life, one who didn't know about the spectrum. Didn't know about the oppression, the hatred, the violence. I wish I could have that.

It's so silly but I keep thinking about V calling me Di stri. It's not really her style or anything, and maybe it would sound alien coming out of her mouth, but it makes my heart clench for home thinking of it.